Tuesday, August 25, 2009

10 Things You Probably Won't Hear on The Rose of Tralee

Why is it so hard to discipline one's self to write for an hour a night?
Who knows.

Anyway, in the spirit of doing precisely what every other half wit smart arse is probably writing - here is my list of ten things you'll probably not hear at the Rose of Tralee...

"...with the ping pong balls? Well, I learned it in Thailand when I was backpacking..."

"...my talent? Is this dress not low cut enough? Do I need to lean over? Jesus!"

"What's with all the fucking questions? You're good on the radio, but don't push it..."

"Ah, I understand your question, but I think it over simplifies the issues. It needs to be reframed, so that we are discussing one of two things. The first is, of course, the collapse in property prices along with the credit crisis, which could be seen as the two legs, as it were, that one could say the economy has fallen over on. The second option is discussing routes for recovery. Simply throwing out a statement about NAMA, developers and bankers may well curry favour with the public, who essentially want revenge; some may say rightly so; however what is required is a real, informed debate about the banking sector, it's responsibilities to the Irish people and the Irish people's need for a healthy banking system... Ray? Ray are you awake?"

"When you come for the Rose, you best not miss."

"Well, I guess my talent is in financial management. You see, I started out working on a fund of... oh, say about $250,000. In the good days, I moved a lot of this into high risk, high return sub prime investments. But knowing that nothing that good can last forever, I switched to some higher liquidity investments, linked to some of the larger markets, then flipped to some key commodities. The profits were phenomenal, but when you're in the zone, it's like... like being coked out of your head and being king of the world, if I were to be honest. So I put it all on Frozen Fire..."

"I'm only here for the beers"

"After I got arrested, the police asked why such a pretty girl like me would do such a thing... so I thought, well, why not give the Rose of Tralee a shot... no pun intended!"

"I don't think you mean that at all! You just said good luck to the last girl out here! Oh my GOD, I can't believe you're doing this to me... I thought we had a real connection, and all I get is "Good Luck", like someone you met just ten minutes ago... Look, I know we only met ten minutes ago, but a connection is a connection. And we were connected."

"It's important for us to be role models for the less good looking, or less talented girls. I think I speak for all of us when I say to them 'Hey, you could be so much more of a person. Why don't you just try harder?'."

"I like walks in the park and dream of world peace. My ideal date is dinner and a movie with a man who is confident and in control of himself. My turn ons include clean sheets, lacey neglige and a man with strong arms" (perhaps this last belongs on another list)....